I know, I know, wrestling isn't a real sport. We've been through this before. But I am a wrestling "smark," I watch it just like I would watch "Scrubs," "Entourage" or "Flight of the Conchords." In that regard, wondering if J.D. and Elliot could get back together on "Scrubs" is the same thing as wondering if Randy Orton will win the World Title from Triple H tonight.
Having gotten that out of the way, here's a look at tonight's WrestleMania card, emanating from Reliant Stadium in Houston, Texas. The event should be a good thing economically for the city that was hit hard by Hurricane Ike last fall.
WWE Championship Match
Randy Orton v. Triple H (c)
World Heavyweight Championship Triple Threat Match
Big Show v. John Cena v. Edge (c)
Intercontinental Championship Match
Rey Mysterio v. JBL (c)
Extreme Rules Match
Matt Hardy v. Jeff Hardy
Tag Team Championship Unification Lumberjack Match
Carlito & Primo Colon (c) v. Miz and Morrison (c)
Money in the Bank Ladder Match
Kane v. Mark Henry v. Christian v. CM Punk v. Finlay v. Shelton Benjamin v. MVP v. Kofi Kingston
Chris Jericho v. "Rowdy" Roddy Piper, "Superfly" Jimmy Snuka & Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat w/ Ric Flair & Mickey Rourke in their corner
Mr. WrestleMania v. "The Streak"
Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker
25-Diva Battle Royal to crown "Ms. WrestleMania"
I can't see any other resolution than Randy Orton walking out of Houston as the WWE Champ. Triple H is close to 40-years-old and has nothing to gain by winning, while putting the strap on Orton would solidify him as the top man in the company and push him towards the status' of The Rock and Steve Austin. Some kind of swerve has to happen here. This angle has been too straightforward and I wouldn't be surprised to see Vince McMahon cost Triple H the title and join Orton's "Legacy" stable. McMahon had to remain a face for last night's Hall of Fame induction (where he was all spray-tanned up) but now all bets are off. ... The likely scenario has John Cena winning the Triple Threat and the title, but I could see a bit of a swerve here with Edge keeping the belt and maybe even turning face during this match. That could set up a nice Big Show-Edge program and allow Cena to go after Orton's WWE Championship. The "thrill of the chase" angle is a popular one and allows wins the fans over. Or could we see the shocker of all shockers, and have Cena end up turning heel tonight? The fans boo him more than any other face anyway, but I doubt the WWE creative team would risk putting their top guy on the other side of the fence. ... The JBL-Mysterio match only had about a two-week buildup, hardly enough time to gain momentum. But with Mysterio beating JBL on Raw this past Monday, I see JBL winning, then announcing his retirement, then heading to the announce table to broadcast for the rest of the night in place of the recently departed Tazz. That seems to be the conventional logic around the internet. It would fulfill his promise to do something "historic" at WrestleMania in his home state of Texas, which he has been boasting about for months know. No one has ever wrestled and done commentary at the same 'Mania. ... The Matt and Jeff Hardy feud has been a little more boring than I expected, mostly because of both men's lack of microphone skills. Either way, they are capable of putting on an entertaining match and the addition of the Extreme Rules element will probably add a few table spots and some good bumps to the action. I call a Jeff Hardy win here, perhaps putting him back in the World Title picture. ... Miz and Morrison have to win the Tag Titles. They are great on the mic and hated by the fans. Miz hasn't changed much since "Real World," when people hated him just as much. This one should be a pretty good athletic exhibition. ... The hopeful wrestling fan in me has Shelton Benjamin, Kofi Kingston or Christian winning the Money in the Bank match, but conventional logic suggests it could be Kane or CM Punk. Punk won it last year and went on to grab the World Title, but creative quickly took the strap off him because it wasn't working as they planned. I could see them giving him another shot. I doubt Christian will take it, since all we've heard is how much Vince McMahon doesn't have faith in him as a main event guy. ... The Jericho v. Legends match will probably be boring and slow, with Jericho doing much of the work to carry the contest. I could see either Rourke jumping in and punching Jericho, or Steve Austion coming down the aisle and hitting Jericho with a "Stone Cold Stunner," since he was in McMahon's original plans to wrestle Y2J. ... HBK-Undertaker could be the match of the night and both men and the creative team have done a great job in building this one up. I see 'Taker walking out of 'Mania with the streak in tact at 17-0. ... The 25-Diva Battle Royal will be the annual "break in the action match" but I'd like to see Trish Stratus win it (if she's even in it.)